My Trusted Confidante

I'm really dried up creatively.. I don't know what to write about and even if I do know, I can't form it in words. Why I been left so dumbfounded by my own thoughts and emotions?

I hate living a lie. I hate it. But everything I am, I am pretending to be is a lie. I'm trying my best to show people I have a normal happy exterior when I feel absolutely broken? When I feel like my life isn't my own and my  rebellious, I don't care attitude that I used to pride myself upon is gone. I feel like everything is crumbling around me, my nightmares aren't getting any better and what's worse is, I have no one to tell.

Actually, I do. But why do I hesitate? Why don't I want to tell people about this? There come moments when you should ask for help. But who'll take me seriously xD?

Our parents and teachers will dismiss it as adolescent troubles, which they are, but don't they get that someone needs help while going through this? There generation didn't need it but with social media and constant interaction with people, things tend to get worse. My friends? Well, there is a story that I'll tell you some other day, but I have no intention to ruin all my friendships and be viewed as someone who just needs help..

At night when I lie down to sleep... It's such a terrifying experience. The nightmares and doubts, they flood my mind and my body shuts down. I try my best to stay up, but my body shuts down.

Sometimes, you just need a hug. Sometimes, you just need reassurance and sometimes you need to be honest about what you want. And all I want right now is to end stuff with someone. It's a phase, I have faced it before, but sometimes I really hope that she wants to end it as well... So I can leave scot free and escape this 'lie'.

Thanks

I have always questioned how I am. How am I as a friend, how am I as a boyfriend, how am I as a son, etc. But, I finally know who an I.

I am a friend who breaks friendships between two other friends.
I am a boyfriend who is so cheesy that I am a joke.
I am a son who builds his parents up to lead them to disappointment.

I've always wondered how to change myself. Always. But now, I know how I can change myself. I'll build my parents up even more, so I can finally see a smile of contentment when I perform. I will make even closer friendships so I make sure that I don't lose friends again and I'll also mind my own business this time.

But what about me as a boyfriend?

Oh yea. I changed.
Thanks. For changing me. Thanks for taking that cheesy guy out back and shoot him in the head. He's not there anymore. Thanks for making him feel like he was a joke every time he said something that was one sided. I'm not bitter or mad. But its that I don't love you and its not because I an resentful. I am not. Thanks, because you taught me one thing that I couldn't teach myself.

Thanks for letting me love myself. So now, I'm not that cheesy guy with you anymore. Why? Because I don't need to be cheesy to make you love me and make myself feel like someone loves me. I'm not the cheesy guy anymore because you made me realize that loving myself is better than trying to get someone else to love me.

Thanks for that.

The last forever?

I do not know if I will have the time to keep posting, as I will become busy with trying to study and fit in. But nevertheless, this blog has been a personal diary of some sorts. I share my deepest thoughts and insecurities here. 

Even if the occasional reader had no clue as to what I was speaking about or feel the same way as I did, you made me feel not alone. I know people dismiss us, saying we are adolescents and it will all be okay, and soon we turn 18 or 19 and forget how it was like being 15 or 16. Our faulty memories become reminiscences and all of our selfies become ancient photographs.We will become the parent to a child and the grandparent to theirs and we will fade away, just as plain memories. But, right now, this isn't a memory. This is happening.

This is happening and I am thinking about her and she seems so beautiful. I felt the moment, when you're not a sad and helpless story any more, 
This one moment when you know you’re not a sad story, you peer out of the window with a smile and look at the cars whiz you by, the trees dancing to the rhythm of the wind. You go to your terrace and see the cars illuminate the highway, the cars fill the void with a cacophony of sound and everything that makes you wonder happening around you.

Then you listen to that song, the one you heard with the people you loved the most in the world.

And in this moment, I swear, you are infinite.

Goodbye Mom, Goodbye Dad

Sleep forever now my darling, I won't dwell on heavens calling.

This line is simple, you can die peacefully, I accept gods decision to take you away from us. However, I have taken it into a different context and then I have written a story on it, so readers, bear with me :)

The person who has died has committed suicide and the parents have been understanding to why their child has done so. Why would parents understand something like this? Well, because the child had written a suicide note. Here's that suicide note.

I close my eyes and wrap myself in my covers. My dad on my left and my mom on my right. This is the safest place I could be been in and I sleep happily. But once I fall asleep, things don't remain happy. I have wild dreams and they envelope me into a world of darkness and misery. I was in half sleep throughout, mom. I've written this in that state. All I know is that I'm not controlling myself. It's the dream. I can't seem to snap out of this. I have held a knife to your throat at night so many times... Not because I want to, but my mind is telling me too. I can't control myself. I can't. I am trying but I can't fight my mind... Tonight, I have the knife with me again.. If you would wake up and see me... You would see that the knife isn't on your throat or dads throat, its across mine. You know, my mind isn't actually a bad guy. He is a good guy. The plans I make whenever you or dad are sad are made by that mind. That mind is loving and caring. But not at night. At night it's a world of its own.
I'm sorry mom, I'm sorry dad. My mind says if I can't kill you guys, I'd rather kill myself.
Goodbye mom, goodbye dad. The static of this cruel world has caused this bird to fly, long before its seen his day.
Goodbye mom, goodbye dad. I'm here with you whenever you think of me. I will love you.
Always.

City of Evil

In an alter reality where my body is nature. My hands would be the humans that inhabit me. My eyes, would be the sky. All my body parts will be some part of nature. But, what would cause weather? As people believed for a long time, god made weather and since I'm basically god in this alter reality, my mood would decide the weather. So all I want to say now is;

The sky here stays gloomy

Yet it never sheds a tear.

I'm sorry, but I'm failing to tell you all that's going in my mind. The words are jumbled and I can't write my poetry. Those 2 lines are all I leave you with. That's how broken I feel. So overwhelmed by emotions that I can't express. I have nightmare, I have dental problems, I have shoulder problems, I have social problems. I'm getting sick of everything. I have nothing to look forward to, nothing to hold onto. My anger and frustration is being projected and I'm becoming bad. I'm manipulating people for my entertainment. I am misleading people to see them crushed. I am becoming rude, brash and I don't feel like myself. I am trying to ruin lives because I can't handle myself. I have someone who is the light on the dark side of me, but that dark side is so wide that that light can't cover it all. My light is the only person along with my family I want to protect. It sucks because, my body isn't nature. My body is a city.

A city of evil.

What has happened?

I don't publicise what I write here, mainly because it's personal. But, sometimes people do come across the blog when they press the 'next blog' button. So, to the people who read my last post, here's a continuation.
The story was true as I have nightmares that get very disturbing and scare the crap out of me. Recently, I've been having one everyday and they aren't getting any better. Its sad, but its true. However, I don't freak out as badly as I used to. Why is that? Comfort.
Comfort comes from mysterious sources. But, my source of comfort comes in the form of 2 friends that are ready to drop everything, just to help me. Whether I need a ear at 130 AM or whether I need some reasjrrance before I fall asleep, they are there. What's all the more surprising is I first spoke to one of these friends in May and that person has become so important to me. But, the other friend (henceforth known as F), has taken me over. I long to to talk to F about the most insignificant of things, just because I know F is there. F is there always. I don't want this to be a post about F throughout but about what some people can do for you. A friend can change your life with the simplest of actions. By a loving smile or a helping hand. Friends are there.

As the matter goes for F, am I falling in love with F?
That remains to be seen ;)

Me and The Night

When the night falls and all is quiet. Its just me and my thoughts with me. My eyes slowly start to close but I fight it. The heavier my eyes get, the more I fight. I would think that after a tiring day all I'd want to do is shut my eyes and rest. But as I feel sleepier, my heavy eyes shed tears. Why would I shed tears? But even the possibility that I'll have to give into this scares me. Petrifies me. As the next morning approached and my bed is wet.... Soaked in my tears and my sweat.
When the night falls..... I'm all alone and serenity is yet to waft over me.
Or, am I living a lie? The ghosts that haunt me when all is silent, attack me at night. If my eyes make the mistake of closing, my dreams are attacked. Where you, my trusted friend are dying... Where my mother is being de-limbed in front of my eyes.... These feelings waft over me as a cold, but piercing deluge.
The night is a time I'm alone, but with my ghosts, fears and anxieties.... The night, is a scary place.